I get lots of fan mail, and I’ve decided to devote the occasional Tuesday to answering some of it.
Dear My Nameless Blog writer: You promised that there would be some sort of contest for naming your blog. When?
Hi, Tanya! Yes, I am finally going to get serious about naming this blog, and you’ll find details about it in the second half of this blog post. Thanks for writing.
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Dear blogger: I am a professional online marketing consultant, and for just $29.95 per webinar, I can teach you how to develop a skill set so you can harness internet clicks and drive traffic …
Hi, Bruce! I already have a set. Now see if you can harness THIS!
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Dear Gnome Guy: I started reading your blog because I am interested in gnomes, but there’s always a lot of other stuff that isn’t about gnomes at all. Why is that?
— Signed, Frustrated
Hi, Frustrated: I apologize that not every one of my blog posts is about gnomes. You’re not the only person to be disappointed about that, but you must agree that gnomes are rather elusive, and it’s just not possible to have something gnome-related every time. Followers expect something new on a semi-regular basis, so until I think of a better way, the gnome-related news you crave will have to be mixed in with other stuff.
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Dear Dad: You don’t really believe gnomes exist, do you?
— One of your concerned children (not saying who)
Hi, concerned child! Of course gnomes exist, but to allay your fears I’m going to tell you this straight out — pixies are completely phony.
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Hey fucktard: You’re blog sux. It is to long. Itz boring and u r stupit if u think gnomes r real. #getalife
Dear Twitterfan: #Biteme
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Dear wgr56: You used to BE somebody! I know because we worked together for 10 years, man! You worked 30 years for major American newspapers, and now you’re writing about gnomes??? WTF?
— Name withheld
Hi, Name withheld! How’s that newspaper career working out for you? Given the state of the industry, I predict you’ll be out of a job this time next year, but don’t worry, I’m steering clear of elves and unicorns, so those topics might still be available when you turn to blogging while collecting unemployment.
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Dear Mister Gnome Editor: I couldn’t tell for sure from the picture, but I think that was my wife you were interviewing in your blog post about the Gnomes of the Ironbound. Any information you could provide will be appreciated, because she has disappeared from the hospital. We’ve been looking for weeks, but she’s vanished without a trace.
— Worried husband
Hi, worried husband! A deal is a deal, and I can’t divulge confidential sources. I will say, however, that you might look for loose manhole covers on Fairy Street … or is it Ferry Street … I don’t remember. Anyway, good luck!
This blog was originally called “nameless” because I didn’t want it to be stuck with a title before it had some direction. But now that I have several posts under my belt and we’ve all seen just how directionless this blog really is, it’s time to commit to something permanent.
My Nameless Blog has covered a wide array of topics including recipes, travel, cemeteries, board games, newspapers, and my general discontent about everything in between.
However, gnomes and gnomery are the themes to which I’ll always return, so the winning entry will be able to tie all that together in a clever, snappy way.
The preferred method of entry will be by posting a comment to this blog, but you can also enter by any other method, snail mail, e-mail, smoke signals, I don’t care. The winning contestant will receive this:
Be sure to read the contest rules below. Terms and restrictions apply.
CONTEST RULES AND FINE PRINT
- All contestants must be 3 years old or older.
- I’m not into plagiarism, so all entries should be rigorously checked to see if the name is already being used by someone else.
- I don’t mind profanity, except when it’s in the title of my blog. Don’t do it.
- Friends and relatives of the blog’s author are eligible.
- All employees of My Nameless Blog are eligible.
- Contest rules are intentionally vague and may change at any time.
- Judges are employed and paid by My Nameless Blog, and are the sole arbiters of all disputes. All decisions are final.