It’s almost time for frost on the pumpkin, which means it’s also that time when men’s thoughts to turn to winter fashion.
Designers from Paris to New York are trotting out their concepts for what the best-dressed men will be wearing this season, and it’s no different here at Roamin’ Gnomials. Well, on second thought, maybe it is a little different, so brace yourselves along the runway as I bring out Roamin’ Gnomials first annual …
WINTER FASHIONS FOR MEN
WHO JUST DON’T GIVE A SHIT
Whether tracking renegade gnomes through the underbrush or prowling a cemetery after hours, a man wants to be comfortable, and while that’s important any time of year, winter poses special challenges.
It’s time to set aside those short-sleeved t-shirts and don a wide array of long-sleeved t-shirts that provide the same level of comfort with the added benefit of keeping the arms warm. These fully functional T’s come in a variety of colors that will keep you feeling good about yourself while still allowing you to fly beneath the radar. On those sunny afternoons when the snow is melting a bit, just push your sleeves past the elbows to cool down, while at the same time giving yourself that gritty, man-of-action look that the other sex craves.
My winter wardrobe is fully stocked with t-shirts to make almost any statement.
One day I might wear the bold, blue star that lets people know the Dallas Cowboys are again relevant. But then in the event of a crushing defeat, I’m ready to switch gears and remind admirers that baseball season is just around the corner.
Although I usually prefer an understated look, there are times when a splash of color is in order.
My bright yellow U.S. Navy t-shirt lets people know that I support my son’s undersea adventures aboard a Trident missile submarine. The shirt is also a favorite while shoveling snow out near the street, as it keeps me visible to the drivers of careening snow plows.
My neutral gray t-shirt gives me plenty of options, including the possibility of adding a colorful tie to liven things up for a that special evening on the town.
Heavy coats just make you look weak, so men in the know keep at least one t-shirt that’s a couple of sizes too big and can be worn as an outer shell when it’s necessary to slip a few extra layers underneath to keep out the chill.
Yes, the layered look is again big this year, and a variety of zippered fleeces are available for when the temperature really plummets.
Fleeces are not only warm, but also look great on those rare occasions when you need to dress up for dinner at a classy restaurant. Opt for darker colors because they not only absorb more of the weak rays of the winter sun, but also do a better job of disguising those inevitable winter dribbles of soup, coffee or hot cocoa.
That takes care of the upper half, but your manly lower extremities also deserve special attention!
Boldness is big when the winter winds howl, and now is the time to turn in your faded blue jeans for a pair of slightly bluer jeans that are less likely to blend in against a solid wall of ice and snow.
One constant during the transition from summer to winter is the chewed-up hems of your jeans, which make a strong fashion statement that you prefer comfort over style and won’t waste money on a new pair of jeans until the old ones are actually falling off your body.
For lounging around that big house you can no longer afford to heat due to rising fuel oil prices, warm and sensible “fuzzy pants” are again all the rage.
And don’t forget the accessories!
While some guys are spending big money on snow boots, men in the know are using the same pair of comfortable slip-ons through all four seasons.
My Merrill shoes have piloted me safely over terrain from scorching asphalt to icy tundra year after year. The battle scars on the proud brown leather tells the kind of story that has people wishing they could walk a mile in my shoes.
To anyone asking, that dark blotch near the right toe is where I spilled a drop of gasoline on my shoe while filling my generator during the weeks-long power outage after Hurricane Sandy in 2012. Just as they served me then, my shoes will continue to serve me this winter, though I may need a third set of Dr. Scholl’s insoles.
Foot health is especially important during the winter months, and ventilated socks not only keep your feet from sweating, but also make a solid fashion statement. While a lot of men would just say “darn it” and give up, the thinking man just keeps on trucking.
Whether they’re pushing a mower, a snow shovel or tracking gnomes across the Serengeti Plain, men who don’t give a shit refuse to waste their time on a lot of nonsense.