A holiday guide to the manly art of gift-wrapping

As the Little Drummer Boy beats out a lively countdown toward Christmas Day, nothing makes a man’s testicles draw up quite like the prospect of having to wrap presents.

Bows are important! The package on the left shows good color contrast with the paper. And remember, size DOES matter, as indicated by the tiny bow on the large package on the right. The small bow makes the package look even bigger, which will have her wondering WTF it could be, even though you know it's really just a cheap piece of crap.
Bows are important! The package on the left shows good color contrast with the paper. And remember, size DOES matter, as indicated by the tiny bow on the large package on the right. The small bow makes the package look even bigger, which will have her wondering WTF it could be, even though you’ll know all along that it’s really just a cheap piece of crap.

Let’s face it guys, it’s expensive to get the Amazon gnomes to gift wrap everything you’ve purchased before boxing it up and sending it to your doorstep. But if you don’t want to shell out that extra cash, it puts the onus directly on you.

One mistake a lot of guys make is failing to use enough paper. Always use more than you need, then use the fold, tuck and tape method to secure the excess.
One mistake a lot of guys make is failing to use enough paper. Always use more than you need, then use the fold, tuck and tape method to secure the excess.

Just don’t let your heart pa-rum-pum-pum-pum right out of your chest from anxiety! Over the years, I’ve become very adept at wrapping the swag that I’ve purchased, and you can, too! Just review these easy gift-wrapping pointers:

  • Don’t try to be perfect. She’ll love that you made the attempt to wrap her presents, and if the wrapping shows that you encountered some difficulty along the way, she’ll love it even more.
  • Some people frown on using duct tape, but if it's on the bottom, no one should care, and besides, it's the superior product for covering accidental holes in the wrapping.
    Some people frown on using duct tape, but if it’s on the bottom, no one should care, and besides, it’s the superior product for covering accidental holes in the wrapping.

    Try to do all your gift-wrapping at once. If you start and then stop, there’s a fair likelihood that you’ll never go back.

  • Use plenty of paper. There’s no despair like the despair of cutting a piece of wrapping paper and then finding it too small to cover the box.
  • Scotch tape is your friend. Don’t buy that cheap crap that refuses to be cut by the teeth of the dispenser.
  • If you run out of Scotch tape, it is acceptable to use duct tape.
  • If the freaking paper tears after you’ve got the box wrapped, duct tape is actually your best choice for hiding the error.
  • The non-square, non-rectangular gift is your biggest challenge, and sometimes unconventional means are required to secure the wrapping.
Sometimes you will end up with more paper than can be artfully folded. Using a zip tie to bundle the excess quickly takes care of the problem.
Sometimes you will end up with more paper than can be artfully folded. Using a zip tie to bundle the excess quickly takes care of the problem and gives your gift that unique look that will be a conversation piece on Christmas morning.
  • Gift bags can make your life easier, but beware the pitfalls! Always stuff in enough of that colored toilet paper to hide the contents!
    Gift bags can make your life easier, but beware the pitfalls! Always stuff in enough of that colored toilet paper to hide the contents!

    Use different rolls of paper. If all your gifts are wrapped in paper with the same design, you will receive demerits.

  • Gift bags can make your life easier, but beware the pitfalls of bad bagging.
  • Picking the right bow is important. A large bow on a small package makes it appear bigger than it is, while a tiny bow on a large package makes the gift look even bigger!

Finally, I offer this word to the wise, which isn’t strictly about wrapping, but more about crafty labeling. Now you and your wife or girlfriend may very well have set a pre-holiday limit on gifts. Maybe you agreed to buy three presents apiece, or maybe you set a dollar amount.

Take my word for it, guys, agree to anything you want, but you better cheat.

How?

Well, my preferred method is to purchase the agreed upon number of gifts, then add a few more as a safety margin, but label them as being from someone else so you can’t be blamed for exceeding the limit. Below is an actual gift to my wife, which I’ve cleverly labeled as being from our dead dog:

Despite any pre-holiday agreements, don't let your wife or girlfriend outspend you on Christmas Day, and if that means there has to be an extra gift or two for her from your dead dog or cat, then so be it.
Despite any pre-holiday agreements, don’t let your wife or girlfriend outspend you on Christmas Day, and if that means there has to be an extra gift or two for her from your dead dog or cat, then so be it.

Yes, wrapping up the gifts is a bad job for any man during the holiday season, but if you just follow my guidelines, you’ll receive lots of appreciative comments on Christmas morning!

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9 Comments

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  1. As much as I value your opinions and wisdom, I must — as someone who’s a few years and whose brain cells have not been adversely affected by choosing to live in the Frozen North — differ with you on a few salient points. First, duct tape (at least the generic silver-gray variety) and zip ties are NOT meant for gift wrapping, at least not for those intended for recipients of the fair sex. And second, you made no mention of gift boxes. Yes, they’re more expensive than paper, but with some foresight and care they can be used over again from year to year, often without even any change in bows or gift tags. Lastly, I can’t imagine anything less festive than a gift from a deceased pet. Please, never again.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ah, but you missed my first point, in which I opined that the more ineptitude one shows, the more she’ll appreciate the ham-fisted effort!

      Gift boxes? Hmmm, must look into that.

      You’re dead (pun intended) wrong about the deceased pet gifts. They tug at the old heartstrings, and let the gift-recipient know that they’re still appreciated, even from beyond the grave. And what could be more festive than that?

      Like

  2. The only sensible solution for a gentleman is to purchase a gift so large that no one notices a lack of ribbon and tape. Say, a villa or a kidney transplant.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Buy a tiger. Your family member will be too busy urinating to notice there’s no card.

    Like

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