Disturbing news today out of Turin, Italy, where neurosurgeon Sergio Canavero says plans are already on the drawing board for full-body transplants in which a living person’s head will be grafted onto a donor body.
Sound crazy? Well, maybe not so much, as Canavero is hoping to assemble a team for an upcoming conference in Baltimore, Md., and claims the surgery could be a reality in just two years.
I had no idea. You can read more about it here, but apparently while I was sleeping, scientists in other parts of the world have already been working to create Frankenstein’s mice and Frankenstein’s monkeys. Canavero says that all you really need is a sharp knife and a big honking vat of polyethylene glycol for joining the noggin nerves to the spinal cord nerves, and voila, human patients could soon be getting a totally new outlook on life.
Canavero quite rightly gives voice to the ethical issues surrounding such a surgery. Right out of the box, I’m thinking that a procedure such as this would be exclusively for the rich and famous, and I also started thinking of some of the possible pairings. It’s impossible to say who’s going to die and what donor bodies might be available, but some of the possibilities are real head-turners:
From the world of sports:
Of course former Boston Red Sox slugger Ted Williams already has a jump on everyone else. His head is already on ice at a cryogenics lab, so it wouldn’t take much to graft his noodle onto the body of Los Angeles Dodgers outfielder Yasiel Puig, should something unfortunate ever befall him. How do you say “Splendid Splinter” in Español? Would Ted Puig be a Red Sox or a Dodger? Hard to say, but I wouldn’t bet against Boston, where they’d have a new monster to go with the famous Green one.
From the entertainment world:
Li’l Wayne is always a pretty good bet to cash in his chips, and although Celine Dion is currently in good health, you just never know when something’s gonna happen, and who might be available when it does. There would probably be a good crossover market for Li’l Wayne Dion music.
From the world of politics:
Crazy-ass, racist Teabaggers have been wishing the president dead since Day One, but grafting Rush Limbaugh’s empty head onto Barack Obama’s body would be one way to make them forget all about birth certificates and Rush to vote for a Democrat. But who am I kidding? Once they noticed that Rush’s hand was black, they’d turn against him no matter what tomfoolery came out of his mouth.
From the undersea realm:
Roamin’ Gnomials’ artiste and mermaid Morgaine du Mer is reportedly in fine health, but if something ever happens to her, it’s good to know that Charlie the Tuna is available, his body already well preserved in cans and foil pouches.
From the world of food and cooking:
Former Food Network cook Paula Deen might get a new lease on life if her head were to be grafted onto Giada’s body, should they both run into serious health problems.
A final note . . .
It’s comforting to know that regular Roamin’ Gnomials reader and commenter Debbie is already hard at work in her studio, and is on the short list to join Dr. Canavero’s dream team of surgeons when they convene in Maryland. Rest assured that I’ll get the latest information from Debbie and will keep my readers updated on this cutting edge technology.