Caint (Do) Pants Trick Day

Make sure you're in a safe place before attempting to put on your pants in an unaccustomed way.
Make sure you’re in a safe place before trying to put on your pants in an unaccustomed way.

While the rest of the known Blogosphere goes gaga for St. Patrick’s Day, I’ve elected to write about pants. I have three very good reasons:

A) I’m not Irish.
B) Gnomes and leprechauns are bitter enemies, and if I wrote about leprechauns, the gnomes around here would make my life a living hell.
C) I’ve been thinking about pants for several days now, and I just have to get it off my chest … or something.

I’ve already revealed a lot about myself in this blog —  maybe too much —  but this next thing makes me really uncomfortable. Folks, I’m a left-leg-first guy. There, I said it, now the rest should be easier!

Not long ago, the thought occurred to me that I always put on my pants with the left leg first. I don’t know why that thought occurred to me, it just did, and the sad truth is that it doesn’t matter if it’s blue jeans, shorts or underwear (boxers, not briefs), I always balance on my right leg and thrust my left leg into the left-leg hole first. Why is that? I’m right-handed, so wouldn’t it make more sense to put my right leg in first?

I decided to do an experiment, so before writing this essay, I took a shower, toweled off and decided to attempt a right-leg-first entry into my underwear. Of course the motions are all the same, just backwards, so I thought about it for several seconds, took a deep breath, then waded in. I got the right leg in okay, but somehow while raising the left leg, I lost my balance, fell against the wall and damn near castrated myself with my upwardly mobile Fruit of the Looms.

Even after finally getting myself squared away, I have to tell you that I’m still a little unsettled. It just feels like my ass is cloaked in wrongness. I don’t know any other way to describe it.

I don’t think gender makes any difference here, so what about you? Are you a left-legger or a right-legger when it comes to putting on pants? Or, are you, perhaps, pantsidextrous, able to switch from left-leg first to right-leg first on a whim?

Maybe you’ll want to take the poll below. Probably you won’t want to, but maybe you will anyway:

 

My one recommendation is that if you want to try switching from what you ordinarily do, make sure you’re sober as a judge and that there aren’t any sharp objects around when you make the attempt.

Good luck, and let me know how you fared!

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18 Comments

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  1. I’m a left-leg-first guy as well, although that may not have started until after I destroyed my right ankle falling off a ladder in 2005. An orthopedic surgeon reconstructed it with a plate, five screws, two rods and two pins, and assured me that the resulting ten-piece titanium joint is as sturdy and reliable as the undamaged left ankle, but somehow I just don’t feel as confident about that right leg anymore.

    As for St. Paddy’s Day, maybe if you wrote a disparaging post about leprechauns, the gnomes would give you a pass and you could ditch the pants entirely in favor of a kilt. I’m sure Mary would think you looked fetching — even if the rest of us disagreed.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Wait a minute … wasn’t that the fall where your heroic dog, Lucky, saved your worthless life?

      Liked by 1 person

      • No, that was in 1992, when I was 20 feet up a tree in the backyard trying to saw off a dead limb that was hanging over the back fence. This was the day after Hurricane Rita swerved eastward and missed Houston. I had climbed a ladder to remove the storm cover from my wife’s second-story studio, and just as I removed the last screw a gust of wind caught the plywood and sent me earthward. Luckily, an EMT who’d stopped to check on his parents, our neighbors, happened to see me fall and ran over to help. No gnomes were involved in either incident, and no crazy Cocker spaniel “saved” me in the first one.

        Liked by 2 people

        • Well that’s what you say, but if you ask me, having an EMT in the neighborhood was a Lucky break. Pat is obviously also familiar with the truth about that noble beast. What remains a puzzle is why you refuse to acknowledge Lucky’s heroism that day, and how he continues to watch over you from K9 Heaven.

          Liked by 1 person

  2. ah, yes. lucky the hero dog. i never really gave any thought to the pants question, but it somehow seems natural for a right-hander to balance on the right leg and do the left leg first. the right side is our strong side, right?

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Right-handed, left leg first. But I did try right leg first and I was fine. It’s 11am where I am, so I am sober 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Just thinking about putting on my pants with the other leg first hurts my brain.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Good thing I was not drinking when I read this post or my computer screen would have been destroyed! I laughed so hard I cried. Unfortunately I cannot participate in the poll; there is no choice for mermaids who overwhelmingly prefer skirts. Pants are impossible to negotiate with fishtails. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  6. The poll was flawed. No check box for both legs at the same time. I can do that. But I checked right handed right leg cause I think that prob makes sense. I hadn’t really noticed.i guess you didn’t work today. lots of free time, huh?

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I never thought about this. At my age, it’s refreshing to know there are more undiscovered ponderables out there. Thanks, Glennr!

    Liked by 1 person

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