Reaching deep into the moldy mailbag


Two things are quickly getting out of control around here, my blog-related correspondence and my yard. Well, it’s too steamy to want to go out there and grapple with the lawnmower, so I’ve decided it’s time once again to answer some hate fan mail.

Dear Roamin’ Gnomials: How do you tell the difference between a gnome and a dwarf?
— Siegfried

This is a gnome.
This is a gnome.
This is a dwarf.
This is a dwarf.

Hi Siegfried! Let me answer your question with a question of my own. How do you tell the difference between a hippopotamus and a rhinoceros? If all you see when you look at them is that they’re four-legged animals that live in Africa, then you’re going to have bigger problems than just your eyesight should you attempt to approach either one in the wrong manner. Same thing with gnomes and dwarves. My best advice is to study photos on the internet and steer clear of both gnomes and dwarves until you can easily distinguish the difference. May the gods help you if you ever use a traditional dwarvish greeting when speaking to a gnome, and vice-versa.

* * *

Dear Roamin’ Gnomials: What’s the most popular thing you ever wrote about?
— Candace

Hi Candace! By far, my most-viewed article is Dear Houston Post, How We Loved You! It’s testament to the special feelings so many people still have for a publication that’s been out of business for 20 years.

* * *

Dear Roamin’ Gnomials: Who the hell is William, and why do you keep writing about him?
— Tony

Hi Tony! Lots of people have stumbled across my Year in the Death of One Man series in the middle and are confused by William. The best way to understand William is to read the series from the beginning. But to answer your question, William’s true identity doesn’t matter, at least not to me. Substitute William’s name with that of any deceased man or woman you know and you’ll be closer to understanding who he is.

* * *

Dear Roamin’ Gnomials: What’s your favorite article so far?
— Fernando

Hi Fernando! Everything I’ve written is worthy of a Pulitzer, but you’re right, I do have favorites. I think the story I wrote about my father was quite good, even if it was very painful on a couple of different levels. Among the articles in the cemetery series, I liked this one best. Among the lighter fare, I’m kind of partial to my dental trilogy.

* * *

Dear Roamin’ Gnomials: How do you like blogging? What’s your biggest disappointment?
— Gerta

Hi Gerta! I like blogging better than I thought I would when I started. I realize that Roamin’ Gnomials is not an easy blog to love, and it’s very hard to categorize because I might attempt something funny one day, then have something that’s downright depressing the next, so I really appreciate the regular readers who have stuck with it, never knowing what they’re going to get from one entry to the next. As for disappointments, I think it has to be the reception for my three-part Shadowy Vale series. That series took quite a bit of work, but the statistics show it wasn’t very well received.

* * *

Dear Roamin’ Gnomials: Are you going to publish the Year in the Death of One Man series? It’s really quite good.
— Beth

Hi Beth! Thanks for reading the series, and to answer your question, I haven’t decided what I’ll do with it once it’s completed. I have plans to write a summary for a local magazine, but even that’s well in the future and I can’t divulge details now. But as for actually seeking a publisher for the whole series, it would be such a niche audience that I’m just not sure how it would fly, though I’m still weighing my options.

* * *

Dear Roamin’ Gnomials: Have you no shame, using a fake letters column to promote old stories with a bunch of links?
— Robert

Hi Robert! You’re right, I don’t have an ounce of shame!

One Comment

Add yours →

  1. magickmermaid May 11, 2015 — 3:44 pm

    (Henri is muttering something incomprehensible and rolling his eyes at both Siegfried and Robert.)

    The Dental Trilogy is hilarious! No laughing gas required! 😀


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