People come to me all the time with their gnome problems. I stay quite busy, in fact, but don’t always write about it because a lot of people feel there is a stigma attached, as if having gnomes is like having scabies or crabs.
Even though I’m quick to reassure them that a gnome infestation has nothing whatsoever to do with health or cleanliness, a lot of people are still ashamed and insist on drawing the cloak of secrecy around the whole affair.
I was recently asked by two different people to look into published reports of a gnome infestation in England, and for once I didn’t have to sign a confidentiality agreement.
Now some of you are probably thinking that this is an American blog, so what am I doing addressing a gnome case in England, which I have not yet had the good fortune to visit. Well, that’s just it, I didn’t have to travel because even a cursory examination of the evidence, as reported in the Plymouth Herald newspaper, proves beyond the shadow of a doubt that this isn’t a genuine gnome infestation!
Okay, I know most of you are too lazy to follow the link to the Herald’s story, so I’ll debunk this thing point-by-point:
- Marcela Telehanicova, of Ivybridge, allegedly was closing her curtains one night when she was “confronted” by 107 gnomes in her front garden, “standing or sitting three abreast.” Right off the bat I have a problem. It’s simple math. How can 107 gnomes stand or sit three abreast? Well, it can’t be done, and that simple fact caused me to call everything else into question.
- Ms. Telehanicova goes on to say that she called police because she feared the “gnomes” had been stolen due to the fact that they all had a bar code stamped on their bottoms. Well, I’ve encountered a lot of gnomes in my life, and you can take this much to the bank: Gnomes will eagerly beat a tattoo onto YOUR bottom, but they’re not going to hold still for anyone attaching a bar code or anything else onto THEIRS!
- Finally, a close examination of the photos reveals that these creatures have no beards! Gnomes have beards, people, even the females. Ergo, these are NOT gnomes!
You’re probably asking, “Well if these aren’t gnomes, then what the hell are they?” Good question, but again, I’m a gnome expert, so I can only say definitively what they’re not. However, a quick look at the map yielded some clues:
Note the proximity of Ivybridge to the large green area, which is identified as Dartmoor National Park. It is well known that tiny humanoids of all sorts will frequently inhabit wild areas, so I’d lay my bottom dollar that these creatures came from that park.
Next stop, the always reliable Wikipedia for information about Dartmoor. I found this:
Dartmoor is known for its myths and legends. It is reputedly the haunt of pixies, a headless horseman, a mysterious pack of spectral hounds and a large black dog, among others.
Well, it’s clear then, isn’t it? Even a child could look at the photos and tell you that these aren’t gnomes, headless horsemen, spectral hounds or a large black dog. Therefore, I submit that they are probably pixies. Although I’m not an expert, pixies are said to be a lot more docile than gnomes, and probably would stand for having a bar code stamped on their asses, though they might not be completely happy about it.
Of course they might be brownies, which are less wild than gnomes, but slightly more dangerous than pixies. Still, I think they’re pixies, because the Wikipedia article didn’t say anything about brownies.
Whatever they are, just what drove them en masse from their forest stronghold and into Ms. Telehanicova’s garden is unclear, but my money’s on the spectral hounds. Those bastards can be a right handful, and even gnomes are known to give them a wide berth.
But even with the prospect of spectral hounds tearing and snapping through the nearby forest, Ms. Telehanicova should take some comfort from the fact that it’s pixies and not gnomes (which can be worse than bed bugs) that have invaded her living space. I urge her to find a pixie blogger and consult him for advice on dealing with them.