Citizen, it’s time to gird thy loins for Operation Gnome Helm!

Gnomic war games that are targeting a mythical invading force of leprechauns could be targeting YOU soon enough!
Gnomic war games that are targeting a mythical invading force of leprechauns could be targeting YOU soon enough!

With Operation Gnome Helm set to begin on July 15 — just two days away — many of my readers are working themselves into a lather. Roamin’ Gnomials is your go-to site for up-to-the-minute information about this operation, and we’ll start our coverage with a primer that will quickly bring you up to speed on this developing crisis.

Remain vigilant during Gnome Helm!

What is Operation Gnome Helm?
Operation Gnome Helm is a joint military training exercise, conducted by gnomes across a seven-state zone in the southwestern United States.

A gnome commando sweeps a field for mines placed by brownies.
A gnome commando sweeps a field for mines placed by brownies.

What is the stated purpose of this training exercise?
The stated purpose is to prepare gnome troops for defending their territories against an invading army of elves, pixies, brownies or leprechauns.

Most Americans support training gnome troops to defend against an invading army of brownies, pixies, elves and leprechauns, but not if it means they're really out to confiscate our hoes and garden rakes!
Most Americans support training gnome troops to defend against an invading army of brownies, pixies, elves and leprechauns, but not if it means they’d confiscate our hoes and garden rakes!

What is the real purpose of Operation Gnome Helm?
In reality, Gnome Helm is a nefarious exercise to condition humans to seeing armed gnomes in their gardens. Once we’re accustomed to seeing armed troops, there will be less alarm and resistance once the real takeover comes. 

Hobby Lobby gnomes would be used to guard humans detained during Operation Gnome Helm.
Hobby Lobby gnomes would be used to guard humans detained during Operation Gnome Helm.

What evidence supports the notion that Operation Gnome Helm is an elaborate conspiracy?

1) Large numbers of gnomes have been mustering inside Hobby Lobby stores for some time. It has long been rumored that gnomes would take over Hobby Lobby stores and use them as internment camps for recalcitrant humans. The beefed-up presence of gnome guards inside the stores supports this idea.
2) Gnomes have long looked for an excuse to confiscate gardening tools that are protected by the U.S. Constitution. Humans wielding hoes, rakes, shovels, picks and scythes have caused countless injuries and deaths among the gnome population. To this point, the NHA (National Hoe Association), has successfully resisted all efforts to restrict the use of such gardening implements. Operation Gnome Helm will give gnomes a golden opportunity to “pry your garden rake from your cold, dead fingers.”
3) On July 15, the beginning of Operation Gnome Helm, the moon will be 390,902 kilometers from the earth. Not coincidentally, 390,902 gnomes are currently in Hobby Lobby warehouses for the southwest region.

A reader sent me this photo of the Gnomemobile parked with a military convoy outside a Chick-fil-A restaurant.
A reader sent me this photo of the Gnomemobile parked with a military convoy outside a Chick-fil-A restaurant in South Texas.

Obama-garden-gnome4) The Gnomemobile was recently spotted in the midst of a Army convoy while parked outside God’s favorite fast-food joint, a Chick-fil-A restaurant in South Texas. A gnome attack against Chick-fil-A would undermine our values and weaken the nation, a core gnomic goal.
5) Those are all pretty solid reasons, but there’s another key reason why people believe Operation Gnome Helm is targeting humans instead of brownies, elves, pixies and leprechauns. Few people are willing to voice it publicly, but the real reason people are suspicious is because the leader of the gnomes in America is … (shhhhh!) … a black guy!

What can I do?
Remain vigilant, and don’t eat ice cream!  Blue Bell Creameries has been taken over by gnomes, and the company’s processing plants will be used to keep rebellious humans on ice. Blue Bell’s fleet of delivery vehicles have been turned into refrigerated morgue trucks. Communication is key during this time of crisis. The gnomes want everything kept as quiet as possible, and their biggest enemy is an informed populace! Keep your hoes, rakes and shovels honed, and report any suspicious activity. Be sure to keep Roamin’ Gnomials on auto refresh for the latest developments, as they occur!

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15 Comments

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  1. Hi! I love reading your posts, I’m new to WP do you think you could check out my blog and leave a comment. I’d love some help from someone more experienced as you! Keep it up!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. hahaha, i first misread this as “grind thy loins”!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I think it’s already begun…my rake is missing from the shed! Henri insists he knows nothing.
    Thankfully I have restocked my larder with Ben & Jerry’s and Breyers in advance of a dreaded ice cream shortage.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m afraid the weeds have already claimed victory. There may be a silver lining in that gnomes would not want to invade such a wild yard!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Deborah Farrisi July 13, 2015 — 5:00 pm

    Tell me this will all be over before Aug. 8th when I start my trip on Hwy 40 back to NJ.
    By the bye, you are very strange.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Jason Fredric Gilbert July 14, 2015 — 3:42 am

    All’s fair in love and war but no ice cream? I dare say you’ve gone too far.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I’m pretty sure we should be extra vigilant come Saturday night – neither Hobby Lobby nor Chick-Fil-A is open Sunday, suggesting we might not know of any nefarious goings-on until Monday should the stuff hit the fan Saturday.Also, I presume this is a multi-day affair. If not, my theory goes by the wayside.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. LEPRECHAUNS: A SHOE-IN TO WIN THE WAR OF THE LITTLE PEOPLE?

    FIELD REPORT by BEITH – embedded reporter with the Leprechaun Liberation Army
    (Embedded = stuck in a hedgerow, being twelve times the size of everyone else)

    Sunrise – 0545h Eastern Ireland.

    An elite Leprechaun Liberation Army craic-team, the armed wing of the Guild of Fairy Shoemakers, has placed a defensive cordon of shoe-maker’s tacks around the old hawthorn fairy tree at the junction of the Slige Cualann, the ancient road to Tara, and the plain of Brega, in which the royal site of Tara is situated. This is in response to the arrival of a consignment of USA-originated Garden Gnomes shipped into the port of Dublin last week, following reports of increased activity of rogue Gnome cells responsible for gnome-grown terrorism in the south-western United States.

    Irish Government officials played down concerns about the potential for influx of insurgent gnomes masquerading as American tourists tracing ancestors here, with a government minister categorically stating: “sure ’tis no worry at all at all at all”.

    However the defensive actions of the Leprechaun Liberation Army (LLA) suggest that it is being taken very seriously indeed, with the placement of tacks and Leprechauns wielding hammers around the fairy tree, to avoid its destruction by foreign invading forces, should indeed a gnome cell be operating in the area.

    Destruction of sacred trees has long been a feature of tribal wars in Irish history, with opposing tribes seeking to fell the ‘bile’ or sacred tree under which rival clan chieftains were inaugurated. In 2010, the Irish Times newspaper reported the destruction by fireball of a cedar tree at Ardbreccan, County Meath, (former site of the long since destroyed sacred Ash tree of Tortan at Ardbreccan) which raised tensions and confusion as to the perpetrator, with speculation as to meteorites, lightning-strikes and drunken teenage Welsh dragons on an illegal cross-border fly-by.

    Mobilization of the LLA has also been suggested by the scale up of commissary and ordnance supplies – as evidenced by the arrival of a number of Guinness and Jameson whiskey delivery trucks and a job-lot of hammers from a nearby hardware store. Increased bulk-sales of leather and tacks have been reported by commercial suppliers in county Meath, but that may be due to the opening of an S&M club in downtown Navan.

    When asked about the actions of the LLA commandos, a surprised Leprechaun spokesman replied: “No, our men wear underpants, to be sure to be sure”.

    Whatever the case, it is clear that growing tensions in diplomatic relations between Gnomes and Leprechauns are raising concerns and pointy hats everywhere, despite denials from the gnome ambassador Mr G. Fishersson, who is on record denying Leprechaun complaints of gnomic incursions to Irish sovereign territories as “a load of old cobblers”.

    Liked by 1 person

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