With Operation Gnome Helm set to begin on July 15 — just two days away — many of my readers are working themselves into a lather. Roamin’ Gnomials is your go-to site for up-to-the-minute information about this operation, and we’ll start our coverage with a primer that will quickly bring you up to speed on this developing crisis.
Remain vigilant during Gnome Helm!
What is Operation Gnome Helm?
Operation Gnome Helm is a joint military training exercise, conducted by gnomes across a seven-state zone in the southwestern United States.
What is the stated purpose of this training exercise?
The stated purpose is to prepare gnome troops for defending their territories against an invading army of elves, pixies, brownies or leprechauns.
What is the real purpose of Operation Gnome Helm?
In reality, Gnome Helm is a nefarious exercise to condition humans to seeing armed gnomes in their gardens. Once we’re accustomed to seeing armed troops, there will be less alarm and resistance once the real takeover comes.
What evidence supports the notion that Operation Gnome Helm is an elaborate conspiracy?
1) Large numbers of gnomes have been mustering inside Hobby Lobby stores for some time. It has long been rumored that gnomes would take over Hobby Lobby stores and use them as internment camps for recalcitrant humans. The beefed-up presence of gnome guards inside the stores supports this idea.
2) Gnomes have long looked for an excuse to confiscate gardening tools that are protected by the U.S. Constitution. Humans wielding hoes, rakes, shovels, picks and scythes have caused countless injuries and deaths among the gnome population. To this point, the NHA (National Hoe Association), has successfully resisted all efforts to restrict the use of such gardening implements. Operation Gnome Helm will give gnomes a golden opportunity to “pry your garden rake from your cold, dead fingers.”
3) On July 15, the beginning of Operation Gnome Helm, the moon will be 390,902 kilometers from the earth. Not coincidentally, 390,902 gnomes are currently in Hobby Lobby warehouses for the southwest region.
4) The Gnomemobile was recently spotted in the midst of a Army convoy while parked outside God’s favorite fast-food joint, a Chick-fil-A restaurant in South Texas. A gnome attack against Chick-fil-A would undermine our values and weaken the nation, a core gnomic goal.
5) Those are all pretty solid reasons, but there’s another key reason why people believe Operation Gnome Helm is targeting humans instead of brownies, elves, pixies and leprechauns. Few people are willing to voice it publicly, but the real reason people are suspicious is because the leader of the gnomes in America is … (shhhhh!) … a black guy!
What can I do?
Remain vigilant, and don’t eat ice cream! Blue Bell Creameries has been taken over by gnomes, and the company’s processing plants will be used to keep rebellious humans on ice. Blue Bell’s fleet of delivery vehicles have been turned into refrigerated morgue trucks. Communication is key during this time of crisis. The gnomes want everything kept as quiet as possible, and their biggest enemy is an informed populace! Keep your hoes, rakes and shovels honed, and report any suspicious activity. Be sure to keep Roamin’ Gnomials on auto refresh for the latest developments, as they occur!