With the Season 6 premier of AMC’s The Walking Dead set for Sunday, the Zombie Apocalypse has been a topic of conversation around workplace water coolers across the country, and that’s definitely true where I work.
There’s just one thing that sets my workplace apart from yours: At Big Orange Home-Improvement Stores, we can actually DO something about a Zombie Apocalypse, because let’s face it, if you wake up and discover that your world is suddenly populated with walking corpses, you’re gonna need some tools!
During the few minutes each day when we’re not working like dogs, my co-workers and I sometimes discuss what we’ll do on Z-Day. As tool experts, we have a few ideas, and because customer service is Job #1, we thought we’d share our insights on what you’ll need when everything goes to hell.
Interestingly, even though our store offers a variety of possibilities, including digging bars, hoes, shovels, trenching tools, crowbars and hammers, my colleagues Jordan, James and Kyle each narrowed his focus to an assortment of axes and hatchets. Despite the similarities of these low-tech tools, their individual choices reveal something about each man:
- James, with his selection of a long-handled hatchet, displays an apparent unwillingness to perform close-quarter work. He’s betting that he’ll be able to keep the zombie horde at bay by swinging from his heels, and that no slavering corpses will slip inside the arc of his swing. James also says he’s not worried about the additional weight of his hatchet. I thought he might tire quickly if beset by more than a dozen zombies, but he might be correct that the adrenaline rush of fighting for your life would mitigate such concerns.
- With his choice of a double-edged hatchet, Kyle also exhibits a reluctance for any “wet work.” In fact, Kyle’s choice displays a touch of the recklessness of youth, in that he chose his hatchet because he said he’d use it as a throwing ax. Sounds good, Kyle, but have you thought about what you’ll do if you miss? And even if you don’t miss, what happens if there’s more than one zombie trying to eat your liver? You’ve already thrown your hatchet at the first one, so now whatcha gonna do, splash the others with hot coffee from your cup?
- Jordan’s tomahawk-style ax illustrates that he’s willing to mix it up with a reanimated corpse at close quarters, but also might reveal a risky overconfidence in his own fighting ability. Jordan’s choice closely mirrors a weapon once used by my “cousin,” actor Norman Reedus, who plays Daryl Dixon on The Walking Dead. Jordan idolizes Daryl almost as much as he idolizes me, but can he really fight like Daryl? He’s banking that he can, but with all those zombie teeth snapping from every direction, his choice of weaponry doesn’t leave much margin for error.
In this article, I’ve tried to show that even among experts, there’s disagreement over the best choice of tools when it comes fighting zombies. Our best advice is to get into a Big Orange store as soon as you’re notified that a Zombie Apocalypse is imminent. Friendly associates — most of them still living — will be on hand to assist you!
What’s that? The store nearest you is of the Big Blue variety? Well, take it from us, even though much of the merchandise at Big Blue is similar, Big Orange quality is much higher, and when it comes right down to it, are you really going to face down a snarling zombie herd with an inferior hatchet from Big Blue? Of course not everyone will survive a Zombie Apocalypse, and a lot will depend on our choices. Just sayin’!