St. Patrick’s Day: Write ‘Patty’ at your peril!

This storefront not far from my home is all I needed to see to know that the Irish are getting serious about this patty vs. paddy thing. They’re training up Irish dancers to kick your ass!

Today is St. Patrick’s Day, and here’s a word of caution for my fellow Americans who insist on writing St. Patty’s Day instead of St. Paddy’s Day: This is the year the Irish are coming to kick your ass!

Look, it’s no big deal to me since my ancestors were bloody Huns, but I’ve married into some Irishness, and I have Irish friends who are fed up with it, and if I’m reading the signs correctly, they’re training up hit squads as we speak.

I understand the confusion. The natural inclination is to see the “t” in Patrick, and assume that it’s proper to write “Patty,” but the easy way to remember it is that Patrick in Gaelic is Pádraig, hence the “d” in Paddy.

If you’re still confused, remember these points:

•  Ireland is associated with green.
•  A patty is what goes in a freaking hamburger.
•  Green meat is probably spoiled.
•  Therefore, shun a green patty and use paddy instead!

But despite my warning, I know thousands of Americans will still write St. Patty’s Day. Just don’t blame me when a pissed-off Paddy riverdances up out of nowhere and gives you a good swift kick in the magairlí!

You probably think I’m joking, but when you combine Irish dancing with martial arts, you get some athletic, pissed-off people who are ready to kick your magairli into the next galaxy!