Make my soap a manly soap!

Duke Cannon’s Big Ass Brick of Soap is big enough to power away any manly stench.

I was bullish on Wild Country soap, which was my first soap on a rope. Just secure the rope around your wrist and you can shower worry-free.

My love affair with bar soap began way back in the ‘60s, when my mother bought me my very first soap on a rope for Christmas. That soap spiraled down the drain long ago, but I was able to find its exact likeness on Google, proving beyond all doubt that I wasn’t the only one to be impressed by its rugged scent and manly feel.

My career as a criminal never really got started, so as the years passed, I eventually dispensed with the rope but kept the soap, though I will admit to one brief period a few years ago when the soft-soap craze hit and I — along with sad men everywhere — tried squeezing a dab of some emasculating goo onto our new loofa sponges.

This Duke Cannon Big-Ass Brick of Soap might be too big for a gnome, but it’s just right for a man!

Well, enough was enough! I went back to bar soap a long time ago, and I’m glad I did!

Nothing makes a man feel more like a man than having that rock-hard bar in his hand while lathering up in a boiling hot shower. After a day spent loading 80-pound bags of cement onto carts for little old ladies at Big Orange, the last thing I want is to find nothing but a lame-ass loofa in my shower stall.

Unfortunately, most grocery stores still cater to the lowest common denominator, which is why you’ll mostly find shelf upon shelf of nothing but disgusting soft soap. Come on, guys, do you really want to lather up with something called Dove?

Of course you don’t, so take heart, the answer to your prayers is just a few clicks away at Amazon!

Not only will Amazon sell you a soap on a rope if you really need one, there’s also an impressive array of other bar soaps that will leave you not only feeling clean, but oh so manly!

You’ll smell cleaner than a freshly mopped floor after hosing yourself down with Grandpa’s Pine Tar Wonder Soap.

An oldie but a goodie is Grandpa’s Pine Tar Wonder Soap. This stuff, which has been around approximately since forever, comes out of the box looking angry and brown, but lathers up with a sudsy white. When you step out of the shower, you won’t smell of strawberries and kiwi fruit like those supermarket guys, but like you’ve taken a splash in a mop bucket of Pine-Sol — in other words, manly!

A bar of Dr. Bronner’s will be thrown into the breach once my Duke Cannon gets whittled down to size, which realistically could take a big-assed long time.

Want something a little less overpowering? Try any of the Dr. Bronner’s soaps, which have been around since Grandpa was a much younger man. Dr. Bronner’s soaps will leave you feeling fresher than a newborn baby bull, and my only complaint about the stuff is that it does tend to get whittled down pretty quick, but that’s probably just because it’s working so hard to scrub away your man-sized stink. Dr. Bronner’s comes in an array of manly scents like eucalyptus, almond, citrus orange and peppermint.

Sometimes the old ways are the best ways, so don’t despair, guys. Instead of reaching for that loofa, reach for your mouse and click up something manly from Amazon. You’ll be glad you did.