One thing about catching a bad case of White Line Fever is that it can bring on deep thoughts that wouldn’t ordinarily occur. Thoughts like how much it must suck to play the License Plate Game in Canada.
I imagine most people who grew up in the Discordant States of America know how the game goes. For the rest of you, it’s about seeing a license plate from all 50 states strapped to the bumpers of the hurtling hunks of steel that are swerving at high speed down the same stretch of highway, all trying to kill you. The game ends and a winner declared when someone collects all 50 states, or whoever has the most when everybody’s life is snuffed out by a careening Peterbilt.
The game can be challenging, because here in the U.S., we have 50 widely separated states, a federal district and five inhabited territories, all with their own unique license plate. Of course the longer the trip, the better your chance of seeing them all, while the odds of your actual survival decline exponentially.
Back in the olden days, my sister and I would use paper and pencil to compile our lists, but when my wife and I took to the road on a recent 750-mile jaunt to visit our spawn and little grandspawnlings, she used a handy iPhone app. It was while listening to her whine about being unable to find New Hampshire or Rhode Island that my mind wandered a bit, and I thought how boring it would be to play the same game in Canada, where they have this enormous 3.855 million square mile land mass, but only 10 provinces and three territories. Must be pretty darned easy to ace the old License Plate Game when that’s all you have, eh?
Sure, here in the good ol’ U.S. of A., we’ve got all kinds of racial turmoil.
Sure, here in the good ol’ U.S. of A., we’ve got some fascist fucktrumpet running for president.
Sure, here in the good ol’ U.S. of A., we’ve got about a billion shitkicking numbnuts, toothless hicks and dangerous morons, all strapped with enough legal firepower to take down the guvmint.
But by god, here in the good ol’ U.S. of A, it’s the License Plate Game that sets us apart and makes me proud to be a Murican!
We don’t do easy here! Easy is not what it means to be a Murican! It ain’t Ontario, Nova Scotia, Alberta, and oh look, I’m almost done! Nope, here in Murica, the License Plate Game is hard, and that’s what makes us great!
“Oh goddammit! Get back in your lane, you sonofa … Oh! Wait a minute! Lookee thar! It’s Rhode Island! Hot damn!”