Election Day cometh, time to duck and cover

As an elementary school child in the 1960s, I remember being led out into the hallway with my classmates and instructed to sit on the floor with my head between my knees. I didn’t know it then, but this was the adults’ vain attempt to protect me and the other children from being vaporized in a nuclear holocaust during the halcyon days of the Cuban Missile Crisis.

That was then and this is now, but Armageddon seems closer than ever, with the only thing keeping me from sticking my head between my knees and kissing my ass goodbye being the stiffness of old age.

Welcome to the final weekend before Election Day. Spend the time wisely, my friend, because soon after it’s over, people with far different values than yours will be casting their ballots, placing your life and your children’s lives on the Republican altar of sacrifice. Yes, because of e-mails, they’re ready to hand over the nuclear codes to Donald J. Trump.

I’m as sick of writing about the presidential campaign as you are sick from reading about it, but therein lies the difference between Us and Them — at least we know how to read and write. What reason other than blind ignorance could possibly explain people who would vote for this new-age Hitler, Donald Trump?

What kind of ignorant peckerwood would blithely bend over and take an intercontinental ballistic missile up his ass because he’s so worried that the guvmint is coming for his .30-06?

What kind of dope gets lathered up about Mrs. Clinton’s e-mails while Donald doesn’t pay taxes and is on a first-name basis with Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong-un?

The collective stupidity of the Trumpian Mob is staggering!

Want to know what I heard this morning from co-workers? It seems Bill and Hillary Clinton “are deeply involved in child-sex trafficking,” and the details will be released very soon! And where did this bombshell come from? Well, no one was quite sure, but they heard it somewhere!

One co-worker said he “doesn’t trust journalists.” Evidence of their deception? He saw something about Hillary Clinton on Fox News, “but couldn’t find mention of it on any other channel!”

No! You think?

It’s inconceivable that the fate of the world could be decided by Breitbart memes on Facebook and hearsay from Uncle Merle, “who tolt me what he seen the other day on Fox News.” Well friends, that’s what we’ve come to.

Ask any Trumper what they’ve read to inform their decisions, and from their dumfounded expressions, the obvious answer is they ain’t read nothin’! These illiterate morons, with whiteness spraying from their pores like spindrift at high tide, are so ready to build a wall and blame their troubles on the poor Mexican cleaning woman, whose only crime is showing up for work every day for a job nobody else wants to do.

Obamacare! Guns! Immigrants! Weeeeeeiner!

What can any of us do in the face of such howling ignorance?

Well, I intend to vote on Tuesday, tell every Trumper I know that the election is on Wednesday, and just hope for the best. But I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t still nervous — even Fox News will probably report the correct election date.

But fair warning, don’t look for me or the gnomes until after it’s over. We’ll all be hunkered down under the kitchen table, practicing our duck and cover.