EDITOR’S NOTE: Every year at this time we get an overdose of Christmas specials we’ve seen before. Shows like “White Christmas,” “Elf,” “A Charlie Brown Christmas,” “How the Grinch Stole Christmas,” and “It’s a Wonderful Life,” clog the airwaves, and inevitably we’ll watch one or two, even though we’ve seen these shows at least a thousand times before. Not to be outdone, Roamin’ Gnomials is happy to republish this Christmas epic from a few years ago, which isn’t as good as “It’s a Wonderful Life,” but at least keeps me from having to write something fresh.
As the Little Drummer Boy beats out a lively countdown toward Christmas Day, nothing makes a man’s testicles draw up quite like the prospect of having to wrap presents.
Let’s face it guys, it’s expensive to get the Amazon gnomes to gift wrap everything you’ve purchased before boxing it up and sending it to your doorstep. But if you don’t want to shell out that extra cash, it puts the onus directly on you.
Just don’t let your heart pa-rum-pum-pum-pum right out of your chest from anxiety! Over the years, I’ve become very adept at wrapping the swag that I’ve purchased, and you can, too! Just review these easy gift-wrapping pointers:
- Don’t try to be perfect. She’ll love that you made the attempt to wrap her presents, and if the wrapping shows that you encountered some difficulty along the way, she’ll love it even more.
Try to do all your gift-wrapping at once. If you start and then stop, there’s a fair likelihood that you’ll never go back.
- Use plenty of paper. There’s no despair like the despair of cutting a piece of wrapping paper and then finding it too small to cover the box.
- Scotch tape is your friend. Don’t buy that cheap crap that refuses to be cut by the teeth of the dispenser.
- If you run out of Scotch tape, it is acceptable to use duct tape.
- If the freaking paper tears after you’ve got the box wrapped, duct tape is actually your best choice for hiding the error.
- The non-square, non-rectangular gift is your biggest challenge, and sometimes unconventional means are required to secure the wrapping.
Use different rolls of paper. If all your gifts are wrapped in paper with the same design, you will receive demerits.
- Gift bags can make your life easier, but beware the pitfalls of bad bagging.
- Picking the right bow is important. A large bow on a small package makes it appear bigger than it is, while a tiny bow on a large package makes the gift look even bigger!
Finally, I offer this word to the wise, which isn’t strictly about wrapping, but more about crafty labeling. Now you and your wife or girlfriend may very well have set a pre-holiday limit on gifts. Maybe you agreed to buy three presents apiece, or maybe you set a dollar amount.
Take my word for it, guys, agree to anything you want, but you better cheat.
Well, my preferred method is to purchase the agreed upon number of gifts, then add a few more as a safety margin, but label them as being from someone else so you can’t be blamed for exceeding the limit. Below is an actual gift to my wife, which I’ve cleverly labeled as being from our dead dog:
Yes, wrapping up the gifts is a bad job for any man during the holiday season, but if you just follow my guidelines, you’ll receive lots of appreciative comments on Christmas morning!