Christmas special: A reintroduction to the manly art of gift wrapping

EDITOR’S NOTE: Every year at this time we get an overdose of Christmas specials we’ve seen before. Shows like “White Christmas,” “Elf,” “A Charlie Brown Christmas,” “How the Grinch Stole Christmas,” and “It’s a Wonderful Life,” clog the airwaves, and inevitably we’ll watch one or two, even though we’ve seen these shows at least a thousand times before. Not to be outdone, Roamin’ Gnomials is happy to republish this Christmas epic from a few years ago, which isn’t as good as “It’s a Wonderful Life,” but at least keeps me from having to write something fresh.

As the Little Drummer Boy beats out a lively countdown toward Christmas Day, nothing makes a man’s testicles draw up quite like the prospect of having to wrap presents.

Bows are important! The package on the left shows good color contrast with the paper. And remember, size DOES matter, as indicated by the tiny bow on the large package on the right. The small bow makes the package look even bigger, which will have her wondering WTF it could be, even though you know it's really just a cheap piece of crap.
Bows are important! The package on the left shows good color contrast with the paper. And remember, size DOES matter, as indicated by the tiny bow on the large package on the right. The small bow makes the package look even bigger, which will have her wondering WTF it could be, even though you’ll know all along that it’s really just a cheap piece of crap.

Let’s face it guys, it’s expensive to get the Amazon gnomes to gift wrap everything you’ve purchased before boxing it up and sending it to your doorstep. But if you don’t want to shell out that extra cash, it puts the onus directly on you.

One mistake a lot of guys make is failing to use enough paper. Always use more than you need, then use the fold, tuck and tape method to secure the excess.
One mistake a lot of guys make is failing to use enough paper. Always use more than you need, then use the fold, tuck and tape method to secure the excess.

Just don’t let your heart pa-rum-pum-pum-pum right out of your chest from anxiety! Over the years, I’ve become very adept at wrapping the swag that I’ve purchased, and you can, too! Just review these easy gift-wrapping pointers:

  • Don’t try to be perfect. She’ll love that you made the attempt to wrap her presents, and if the wrapping shows that you encountered some difficulty along the way, she’ll love it even more.
  • Some people frown on using duct tape, but if it's on the bottom, no one should care, and besides, it's the superior product for covering accidental holes in the wrapping.
    Some people frown on using duct tape, but if it’s on the bottom, no one should care, and besides, it’s the superior product for covering accidental holes in the wrapping.

    Try to do all your gift-wrapping at once. If you start and then stop, there’s a fair likelihood that you’ll never go back.

  • Use plenty of paper. There’s no despair like the despair of cutting a piece of wrapping paper and then finding it too small to cover the box.
  • Scotch tape is your friend. Don’t buy that cheap crap that refuses to be cut by the teeth of the dispenser.
  • If you run out of Scotch tape, it is acceptable to use duct tape.
  • If the freaking paper tears after you’ve got the box wrapped, duct tape is actually your best choice for hiding the error.
  • The non-square, non-rectangular gift is your biggest challenge, and sometimes unconventional means are required to secure the wrapping.
Sometimes you will end up with more paper than can be artfully folded. Using a zip tie to bundle the excess quickly takes care of the problem.
Sometimes you will end up with more paper than can be artfully folded. Using a zip tie to bundle the excess quickly takes care of the problem and gives your gift that unique look that will be a conversation piece on Christmas morning.
  • Gift bags can make your life easier, but beware the pitfalls! Always stuff in enough of that colored toilet paper to hide the contents!
    Gift bags can make your life easier, but beware the pitfalls! Always stuff in enough of that colored toilet paper to hide the contents!

    Use different rolls of paper. If all your gifts are wrapped in paper with the same design, you will receive demerits.

  • Gift bags can make your life easier, but beware the pitfalls of bad bagging.
  • Picking the right bow is important. A large bow on a small package makes it appear bigger than it is, while a tiny bow on a large package makes the gift look even bigger!

Finally, I offer this word to the wise, which isn’t strictly about wrapping, but more about crafty labeling. Now you and your wife or girlfriend may very well have set a pre-holiday limit on gifts. Maybe you agreed to buy three presents apiece, or maybe you set a dollar amount.

Take my word for it, guys, agree to anything you want, but you better cheat.

How?

Well, my preferred method is to purchase the agreed upon number of gifts, then add a few more as a safety margin, but label them as being from someone else so you can’t be blamed for exceeding the limit. Below is an actual gift to my wife, which I’ve cleverly labeled as being from our dead dog:

Despite any pre-holiday agreements, don't let your wife or girlfriend outspend you on Christmas Day, and if that means there has to be an extra gift or two for her from your dead dog or cat, then so be it.
Despite any pre-holiday agreements, don’t let your wife or girlfriend outspend you on Christmas Day, and if that means there has to be an extra gift or two for her from your dead dog or cat, then so be it.

Yes, wrapping up the gifts is a bad job for any man during the holiday season, but if you just follow my guidelines, you’ll receive lots of appreciative comments on Christmas morning!

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9 Comments

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  1. Gift Wrapping Tutorial for Husbands

    –Wrap gift in humorous gift t-shirt with giant safety pin stuck through several bags of M&Ms as a bow: You got game, +50 points, plus nooky.

    –Wrap gift in Saran Wrap but in decoy kitchen appliance box: Clever, +20 points, as long as it’s not a different kitchen appliance.

    –Wrapping Paper Ninja (video following): Other husbands hate you, +50 points

    –Duct tape on festive Christmas paper: Hilarious, +10 points.

    –Zip ties: Lazy, -10 points

    –Zip ties with glitter glued to them: +10 point save

    –Blame beloved deceased pets: You must not want to get laid this month.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Zip ties, now that I have not seen before, very clever! My father once wrapped a toilet seat for my mother for Christmas, that was impressive. And she was pissed that he got her that for Christmas. She didn’t even notice his gift wrapping skill!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I am not a big fan of wrapping gifts 😦 My husband told me that it is a custom to wrap the gifts instead of having them in their own delivered boxes. These tips might help 😉
    He says (I am yet to see his wrapping skills) that he is good at it. Let’s us see.

    Liked by 1 person

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