I’ve come to a fork in the road

If you’ve had to consider whether or not to give the “kiss of life” to a dying gnome, I don’t recommend it.

This little blog, once so popular among readers with a less controversial mindset, has been sadly neglected. It’s really not my fault, I’ve been away saving the world for the past four years.

And that’s all I’m going to say about that.

But a prolonged absence poses its own problems, and chief among them is, how does one inject new life into a blog that has been on life support for as long as this one? I tried artificial respiration — the so-called kiss of life — but for those of you who haven’t tried it with a gnome, I don’t recommend it.

After that didn’t work, I hit on the idea of using jumper cables. That achieved the desired effect, though at the cost of a blue cloud of smoke so thick that it precluded the possibility of providing a picture. Still, at the end of the procedure I had a fully functional though very pissed-off gnome. After clearing some ashes from his windpipe, he reluctantly whispered to me an idea for this post, and here it is:

Forks vs. Spoons

I know what you’re thinking. You’re wondering why we should have to choose because the thinking eater makes use of both. Of course only an idiot would use a fork to eat soup, though it’s just possible that the same idiot might successfully use a spoon to eat a bite of steak.

I could happily go through a lifetime of meals with naught but a fork.

But what about those “in between” foods that are sorta solid but also have a bit of sauce, like a thick and meaty stew, perhaps, or a sloppy lasagna with drippy sauce. What do you do then, hmmm?

I know what I’d do, but I want to hear what you think. Given a choice where either implement could conceivably work, which are you, a forker or a spooner?

Are you a spooner?

If you said spooner, I think that shows that you’re  a more passive eater. You are someone who doesn’t want to miss a single drop of whatever you’re eating, yet you’re strangely comfortable with the notion that a run, drip or error could leave an unsightly blot on your nice, clean shirt.

Spooning your food is a delicate balancing act, and the transfer of food between plate and mouth can be nerve-wracking, and that could easily lead to a bad case of indigestion by the end of the meal. Inconsistent spooning, especially in a social setting, can lead to a lot more jittery moments.

While a spooner is more likely to consume every last unspilled drop, that satisfaction often comes at a significant cost.

Or might you be a forker?

Forkers (that’s me) are more aggressive eaters. Nothing gives more satisfaction than first stabbing your chow, giving it a deft shake to clear it of excess sauce, then quickly and efficiently transferring the bite neatly into your mouth. Once there, forkers complete the killing process they started with the stab by grinding their wounded prey to bits with their teeth.

Notice that I said into the mouth. Have you ever seen a forker place a bite of food onto their lips and then show it to everyone else at the table? Of course not, it’s just not done! Spooners, on the other hand, are more prone to slurping and leaving unsightly bits of tomato sauce, for instance, on their greasy lips.

Of course spooners have a huge advantage when eating soup or something else that is more liquid than solid, but there just aren’t that many other instances in life where I couldn’t make a strong case for a fork.

The perfect hybrid

Of course there is also the spork, an ingenious instrument that solves a lot of the problems that have been raised here, but sadly has not gained traction in polite society.

Why are sporks an object of ridicule? While the white plastic variety might be properly shunned, this titanium model could grace even the most sophisticated dining table.

While I almost always set my table with a full compliment of silverware — knife, fork and spoon — I’ve noticed that as a forker, 9 times out of 10, my spoon (and often my knife) will remain untouched throughout the meal. Unless some food is very tough, a fork is usually quite sufficient for cutting it. Conversely, have you ever seen somebody try to cut a piece of tender meat with a spoon? Of course not, it just doesn’t happen, unless maybe you’re some kind of weirdo.

Another thing to consider is that over the course of a year, electing to use only a fork for those soupless meals could save gallons and gallons of water and would contribute mightily to saving the planet. I don’t know about you, but when clearing the table, I place unused silverware back into the drawer, not into the sink or dishwasher.

So which are you, a forker or a spooner? I’d like to know.

Lastly, for those of you who have been begging me to return to Roamin’ Gnomials (you know who you are), let this be a lesson to you: Be careful what you wish for!