Squatty Potty … taking the ‘leisurely’ out of poop

Father’s Day has come and gone, and all over the world, dads like me are still basking in the glow of their children’s affection. Dads were taken out to breakfast, given Hallmark cards, books, silk ties, gift certificates, and received phone calls from adoring children.

My son gave me a Squatty Potty.

Now Roamin’ Gnomials has thus far been above resorting to bathroom humor, but on this occasion, I’m willing to lift the lid on that restriction and write about something as clever as it is useful. And besides, I know my son, Aaron, has been waiting for this, and I am loath to disappoint.

The Squatty Potty is a sort of plastic platform that nests in the bosom of your toilet, and slides out easily whenever you want it to come out and play. This simple device is designed to put the poopee (you) into a power position that straightens out any bends in your ductwork, allowing you to quickly and smoothly take care of business.

Among Roamin’ Gnomials ever-growing readership list, I know of one doctor — the impressively prolific Victo Dolore — and several nurses, all of whom will probably leap at the chance to provide a scientific explanation on the joys and benefits of having an unkinked colon.

I’m no doctor, however, so I figured I’d just do the next best thing, which is to dispense with the science and proceed directly to the test drive.

That’s kinky!

The first time I settled onto my throne and set my feet upon the raised Squatty Potty platform, the position felt a little awkward, but once my gizzard got past a brief WTF moment, I sensed (rather than heard) a voice announcing, “No waiting on Register 2,” and felt a mad scramble as my colonic customers jostled their carts and quickly started queuing up.

Indeed, subsequent uses have produced a similar effect.

Back at my old place of employment, we’d often announce to our co-workers when we would be away “taking a leisurely,” which meant someone was going in search of a toilet far from the madding crowd, where he could take care of business at a slow and relaxed pace, without fear of interruption. In effect we were saying, “I know this is a newspaper, and I know we have deadlines, but by god I’m going to take my ‘leisurely,’ and I may be gone for awhile, so cover for me!”

I related that story because I want to impress that there’s nothing “leisurely” about the Squatty Potty. Using it is like planning a trip to the Jersey Shore, and somebody canceled the tolls on the Garden State Parkway. It’s smooth sailing, baby!

The thing about the Squatty Potty is that their advertising is so clever that it’s impossible not to love it. I first saw this video a long time ago, but never dreamed my son would be so thoughtful as to buy me one:

Now if you’re someone who enjoys your morning constitutional, perhaps using your alone time to do some heavy reading of gnome-filled blogs, then Squatty Potty might not be for you. But if you’re someone who has a lot on your agenda, then try Squatty Potty, because when you really need to move the mail, then this thing’s like the Pony Express.

Thanks, Aaron, for being such a thoughtful son. I can’t wait for your next visit when you can try my Squatty Potty for yourself. Just don’t forget to turn on the exhaust fan, because unlike that unicorn, I know you won’t be shitting rainbows.