It’s a bad feeling when a follower has a knack for dismemberment

One drawback to being the author of a popular gnome blog is that you’ll inevitably attract a few groupies. Now there’s nothing wrong with having followers who enjoy your work, but what happens when one of those followers turns out to be dangerous?

I’ve been tracking one of my follower’s activities on Facebook for awhile now, and I’m a little concerned. No, check that, I’m VERY concerned, because this follower knows where I live! She’s the mother of one of my daughter’s best friends from high school, and she used to live in my neighborhood. Luckily, she has relocated to Arizona, but is that really far enough to provide any measure of safety?

Meet “Debbie Dahmer, Doll Dismemberer.” This is her work:

Exhibit A

One of Debbie’s first works to grab my attention was the anatomically correct Anne Boleyn doll. And folks, this doll did NOT come this way from the manufacturer!

Well, that’s cool, you’re probably thinking. Maybe a little twisted, but there is a historical basis for it. But it gets worse. Far worse!

Exhibit B

Doll torsos litter Debbie’s abattoir in Arizona. The image is probably blurry because the camera was shaking with Debbie’s cackling as she took the picture.

Debbie prowls flea markets and secondhand stores in search of victims, many of whom end up like you see in these photos. Want more? Keep scrolling!

Exhibit C

Admit it. You were wondering what happened to the arms and heads of the dolls whose bodies were shown above. Well, here are Debbie’s knitting needles of horror. Can you imagine Mister Rogers wearing a sweater knitted with these? I think it would have wiped that happy smile right off his face if he’d had any idea where that sweater came from! I’ll tell you one thing for sure, he’d have hightailed it right out of his Neighborhood so fast that he’d have left behind his shirt, tie, pants and sneakers, not to mention his sweater!

Exhibit D

Sweaters not your style? Well maybe you appreciate fine jewelry, like this disarming necklace made by Debbie Dahmer for one of her relatives.

Say what you will, Debbie’s necklace creation is a real attention grabber.

But as scary as all this is, you’re probably wondering just why I’m concerned. I mean, it’s nothing personal, right? It’s not like she’s targeting me, right? Wrong!

Exhibits E, F, G, H and I

Yes, Debbie’s aware that I have a part-time job at a big orange home improvement store, and she’s created a doll tableau that tells my story:

First she sent an image of my effigy being prepared for its new role.

Then this:

Here I am, getting up close and personal with the nuts and bolts of the operation. Can there be any doubt that I’m about to get screwed!

Then this:

The message seems clear, she’s getting ready to flush me!

Then this:

Here I am, positioned on the chop saw!

And finally:

She’s putting me on ice. Maybe I’m going to wind up dismembered in a freezer!

Well, maybe it’s not too late for me after all. I just saw that the police are excavating the crawl space beneath her old house in my neighborhood, and depending on what they find under there, maybe an arrest warrant will be issued soon. And it won’t be just me feeling better with her behind bars, the dolls of Arizona will be breathing a big sigh of relief, too!